walking on egg shells

he doesn't think there is anything wrong. that might be the hardest part. every once in a blue moon he will step back and say "i can't believe what i'm doing to you. i am sick." but most of the time it is only incredible anger in the fact that i could ever think he has a problem. and in his eyes i am the one with serious problems and make him out to be a monster.

-how dare i "like" the facebook status of my brother in law?

-how dare i enjoy the circus because it wasn't something he could give me himself?

-how dare i compliment my friends adorable child because it obviously means i don't find his niece and nephew cute?

-how dare i ask him to pray before bed before he initiates it on his own?

-how dare i clean on my day off and make him feel lazy?

-how dare i ask of our weekend plans because it clearly means i think he is lazy?

-how dare i tell my brother in law that he will be a good father one day, it obviously means i don't think the same of my own husband?

-how dare i wear the ring matching ring i got in europe with my best girl friend? it obviously means i love it more than my own wedding ring.

-how dare i not forgive his mother in the same day that she called him and asked him to leave his wife and child?

-how dare i cry and look like a victim?

-how dare i stand up for my family because i should only love him now?

-how dare i speak when he is insulting me, but how dare i stay silent when he threatens?

-how dare i ask to spend time with a friend when he is spending time with his, isn't he good enough company?

-how dare i show fear around him, can't i just love him enough?

-how dare i seek comfort?

-how dare i be disappointed when we get to the temple and he decides he doesn't want to go for the 5th time in 2 weeks?

-how dare i want to listen to my friends cd because it clearly means my husband isn't musically talented enough for my taste

i can only keep pushing. but what do you do when even a compliment makes him "switch" to his angry side? what do you do when you are in constant fear of making him upset and when he goes on for half an hour tearing himself and me apart? i am not allowed to talk when he has an episode. i have to hold it all in or it is worse. which makes me cry. i cry because he hurts me, i cry because he hates himself, i cry because everything he is saying is a lie but he can't see it. and what happens when i cry? it only gets worse.
"you are such a cry baby! can't you see i am hurting too, just because i don't cry doesn't mean i am just fine. you act like such a victim"
but i stay silent. there is no room to stand up for myself. there is no room to correct his horrible suicidal comments, his insults that come out of nowhere. i have to stay silent for us.

how do you cope with someone so insecure? how do you live day to day with someone that can switch to straight anger in less than a second? and how do i help myself stay sane and recognize that i'm not a bad person? his insults aren't real, they come with his anger and he doesn't mean it. sometimes i think i might go crazy.

you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.