how to cope

last night was hell. i knew it would be. i was determined to say my part during our therapy session. i normally stay quiet and hope he will bring up the issues. he gets very angry when i have an input. but he thought we were doing better. he said he had nothing to talk about because things were better. so i spoke up. things are worse than ever before, but i've stayed silent. so he can lash out and be angry over anything, but it's much better as long as i don't stand up for myself anymore? as long as i don't try to comfort him when he talks about himself like he has no worth?

yes, anger is his most common symptom. every once in awhile there is spurt of violence, but never towards me. last night he punched a hole through our closet door. that is very rare. but i am in no kind of danger.

our therapist helped me to see that silence isn't the answer. even though i am scared of his anger, i have to be honest with him or it will never get better. silence was how i coped with it. now a change has to be made.

he does not see it. he doesn't think there is a problem of any kind. in his eyes, there is no anger issue. there is no bipolar disorder. there is no need for help. we left the therapy session and he told me "if that is how you really feel, then it's over. i can't do this anymore". and i knew that would be what came of me finally speaking out. when i sit through session after session of him talking but doing nothing to change, i finally speak up hoping some good will come from it. and maybe it will. but i cannot be afraid anymore.

i start individual therapy next week. and he has his own as well, a fabulous doctor. that makes 3 therapists total for us but he doesn't talk. they sit and chat about anything. he won't tell the doctor anything negative so we are paying for a 45 minute chat session. i keep telling myself it will be worth it, with time things will change. but what can change if he sees no problem? he refuses any medication.

i find my mind wandering and wondering about what i will do on my own, as a single mother with no support.  where will i go? how will i survive another divorce? and how could this have been hidden for sooo long? he admitted to me one day "i am sorry i hid this side of me from you, but now we are married and you have to accept me."

i've been the wife of a physically abusive man. i know when it's time to get out and i know how to do what is best for me. this is different, and for that i am grateful. he is sick. but how do i cope while waiting for him to accept help?

i've gotta put my heart away for the time being.

 

(foundation for survivors of abuse is something i bumped into a while back. they are doing something amazing and one day i may start my own. until then i support all i can)