cheers to a new year

i've always been one to make new years resolutions. i love pulling out the old ones and seeing what i accomplished. this year will be different. a whole new kind of goal, to bring happiness and comfort into my marriage.

i pray that this time next year will be so different. i will look back at all i accomplished and i will be so grateful to have not given up.

i have a feeling this weekend will be alright. my sister is in town. she has always been a mood boost for him. she's here for the celebrations and he couldn't be more excited. they have a special bond, those two. i am grateful for her love for him. and for the strength she gives me to keep being strong.

when he is happy, we are happy. he is loving, he is gentle, he is optimistic. he is a good good man, a hard worker, the most honest man i've ever known. that is the man i married. he'll come back to me fully one day.

"cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." - oprah winfrey



how to cope

last night was hell. i knew it would be. i was determined to say my part during our therapy session. i normally stay quiet and hope he will bring up the issues. he gets very angry when i have an input. but he thought we were doing better. he said he had nothing to talk about because things were better. so i spoke up. things are worse than ever before, but i've stayed silent. so he can lash out and be angry over anything, but it's much better as long as i don't stand up for myself anymore? as long as i don't try to comfort him when he talks about himself like he has no worth?

yes, anger is his most common symptom. every once in awhile there is spurt of violence, but never towards me. last night he punched a hole through our closet door. that is very rare. but i am in no kind of danger.

our therapist helped me to see that silence isn't the answer. even though i am scared of his anger, i have to be honest with him or it will never get better. silence was how i coped with it. now a change has to be made.

he does not see it. he doesn't think there is a problem of any kind. in his eyes, there is no anger issue. there is no bipolar disorder. there is no need for help. we left the therapy session and he told me "if that is how you really feel, then it's over. i can't do this anymore". and i knew that would be what came of me finally speaking out. when i sit through session after session of him talking but doing nothing to change, i finally speak up hoping some good will come from it. and maybe it will. but i cannot be afraid anymore.

i start individual therapy next week. and he has his own as well, a fabulous doctor. that makes 3 therapists total for us but he doesn't talk. they sit and chat about anything. he won't tell the doctor anything negative so we are paying for a 45 minute chat session. i keep telling myself it will be worth it, with time things will change. but what can change if he sees no problem? he refuses any medication.

i find my mind wandering and wondering about what i will do on my own, as a single mother with no support.  where will i go? how will i survive another divorce? and how could this have been hidden for sooo long? he admitted to me one day "i am sorry i hid this side of me from you, but now we are married and you have to accept me."

i've been the wife of a physically abusive man. i know when it's time to get out and i know how to do what is best for me. this is different, and for that i am grateful. he is sick. but how do i cope while waiting for him to accept help?

i've gotta put my heart away for the time being.

 

(foundation for survivors of abuse is something i bumped into a while back. they are doing something amazing and one day i may start my own. until then i support all i can)

 

walking on egg shells

he doesn't think there is anything wrong. that might be the hardest part. every once in a blue moon he will step back and say "i can't believe what i'm doing to you. i am sick." but most of the time it is only incredible anger in the fact that i could ever think he has a problem. and in his eyes i am the one with serious problems and make him out to be a monster.

-how dare i "like" the facebook status of my brother in law?

-how dare i enjoy the circus because it wasn't something he could give me himself?

-how dare i compliment my friends adorable child because it obviously means i don't find his niece and nephew cute?

-how dare i ask him to pray before bed before he initiates it on his own?

-how dare i clean on my day off and make him feel lazy?

-how dare i ask of our weekend plans because it clearly means i think he is lazy?

-how dare i tell my brother in law that he will be a good father one day, it obviously means i don't think the same of my own husband?

-how dare i wear the ring matching ring i got in europe with my best girl friend? it obviously means i love it more than my own wedding ring.

-how dare i not forgive his mother in the same day that she called him and asked him to leave his wife and child?

-how dare i cry and look like a victim?

-how dare i stand up for my family because i should only love him now?

-how dare i speak when he is insulting me, but how dare i stay silent when he threatens?

-how dare i ask to spend time with a friend when he is spending time with his, isn't he good enough company?

-how dare i show fear around him, can't i just love him enough?

-how dare i seek comfort?

-how dare i be disappointed when we get to the temple and he decides he doesn't want to go for the 5th time in 2 weeks?

-how dare i want to listen to my friends cd because it clearly means my husband isn't musically talented enough for my taste

i can only keep pushing. but what do you do when even a compliment makes him "switch" to his angry side? what do you do when you are in constant fear of making him upset and when he goes on for half an hour tearing himself and me apart? i am not allowed to talk when he has an episode. i have to hold it all in or it is worse. which makes me cry. i cry because he hurts me, i cry because he hates himself, i cry because everything he is saying is a lie but he can't see it. and what happens when i cry? it only gets worse.
"you are such a cry baby! can't you see i am hurting too, just because i don't cry doesn't mean i am just fine. you act like such a victim"
but i stay silent. there is no room to stand up for myself. there is no room to correct his horrible suicidal comments, his insults that come out of nowhere. i have to stay silent for us.

how do you cope with someone so insecure? how do you live day to day with someone that can switch to straight anger in less than a second? and how do i help myself stay sane and recognize that i'm not a bad person? his insults aren't real, they come with his anger and he doesn't mean it. sometimes i think i might go crazy.

you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

hope

my main reason for this blog may be self therapy. but i hope it becomes more. i hope i can reach out to others that struggle with challenges similar to mine. maybe we can build each other up. maybe we can strengthen each others confidence. maybe we can create happiness. maybe we can build hope.

i am divorced from an abusive husband. people ask me what kind and i am not afraid to talk about it - physical, emotional, and verbal. i consider myself incredibly lucky to have had the strength to do what was best for me and leave.

i got a divorce, built my self esteem back up, discovered my dreams and made goals, traveled through europe, and met someone incredible. i married that someone incredible and we are expecting our first baby in about 3 months. but something went wrong. the man i married is sick. so half of the time, sometimes more, he is not the man i married.

it is a sickness that has followed him for years but for some reason didn't fully surface until now. doctors have called him bipolar. therapists call him severely insecure. everyone can see his deep depression, though only few have seen his suicidal tendencies.

what this blog comes down to is how i learn to deal with his episodes, how i learn to show love and strengthen him through this trial, and how we can build our relationship back up to what it should be. an eternal marriage. all the while i am being torn apart, belittled, emotionally and verbally abused. i cannot see the future, i don't know my own strengths but i know i can try. and while "he" threatens to leave me on a daily basis, i will not give up.

i say "he" because it is not my husband that threatens me. it is his sickness. and when his episode is over he'd never leave the wife that has done so much for him. because i know he appreciates me. i know he loves me. and i know i can help "him" get better.

everything i post will be anonymous. i will never use real names. for blogging purposes i will call myself nadia because it means "hope". that is what i wish to offer everyone who is suffering or in pain because of someone they love. hope. "a feeling of expectation and a desire for a certain thing to happen".  i will focus on the later, desiring a change to make my marriage happier. to make my life more meaningful. to create a good home for my baby boy to grow up strong and confident. to make this world a little bit better for us who live in it.

i hope with time you will be comfortable sharing your story with me. i would love to post it here. and always feel free to comment. together we can create a chain of hope for ourselves. we can build each other up. together we can be something extraordinary.

whenwedoallwecan(at)gmail.com